hm..

i think. people change. they grow. i think you've changed. despite your insistance that you haven't, i think you'd done plenty of growing up and that the meer fact that you keep going is enough. most people feel that way for most of their lives i think. its some misconception that we're supposed to know exactly what we want. i think thats crap for most of us. even when we think we know what we want, its not what we thought it would be when we finally get it. its this whole work-up.. . so again, thats crap. you essentially just figure out whats important to you and go for that. the hard part is that there are those social standards and its hard to not care about other people's measures of success being imposed on you.

anyway, my point is, "dragging your feet" is okay. you're being way too hard on yourself. its the way we're wired and besides, thats what they call working smarter, not harder, so if you can figure a way to do it and be happy, its fine. everyone has their own standard for what amount of work is worth it. just find your happiness. and try to find your own path. its just about what you naturally like and what you gravitate towards. and you have plenty of opinions and leanings, so you shouldn't have a problem figuring out what you want eventually. calling it a calling is a bit heavy duty.

the ones who have it hardest are the ones who don't know what they want.

it gets better... or... does it?

come visit.

there is your invitation!

reality

to everyone who knows me...i have a confession...
this is the bare reality of my life:

i'm literally dragging my feet through life.
whereas once i thought i really had an excitement for life, for living...today i realize that i don't.
i just want to clock out of life. i am done. actually, i have been done with life since i was a kid.
remember how i always wanted to be a "grown up" when i was a kid? as i look back, the reason is because i thought it would get better or that i would feel differently. and how true it is that people don't change because i haven't changed and i'm still waiting for things to "get better" or for me to "feel different". i don't think it will change, since apparently, people dont change.

what does this mean:
this means that i am no better than those people i used to dog on by saying that they didn't really live life and were complacent and didn't do anything to make their life better. i am one of those people; i was faking it the whole time. everyday i wake up and want to go straight back to bed because i feel like, you know, i've seen some stuff in life, i've had fun, had a few laughs, made some good relationships. i'm pretty much done. but unfortunately i have to keep going.

what you are thinking:
now i know that there is more to life and that i am looking at life with a very narrow view. but until i get out of this narrow view i will feel the same way. and i may never escape this narrow view because i don't even know how to begin trying to get out of it. so all i can do is wake up everyday and walk forward and try to have fun and keep my eyes and ears open to a way out of feeling like this. cuz i'm not going to check myself out of life voluntarily, which means i have to keep going. but if you are all wondering why i haven't made more of myself in this life, it is because i am complacent and dragging my feet and it is because i don't feel like i have a passion or calling for something.

lack of passion or calling=inaction on my part
how can u get up and try hard in life when u don't know what u want out of life?

i know this is a given but BEER and WORKING OUT do not mix

DRANK: 2 beers
DONE: 50 pushups, 32 butt blasters, 2 yoga stretches
RESULT: dizzzzzyyyyy....

the past

sometimes i wish i could go back to the way things were, just for one day
there are many "the way things were":
-when i used to ditch class and go eat with mary
-going to the starbucks across from work or on pico & robertson with hatsumi
-etc (many others but im not going to waste time)

you still know these people but you cant just go back (again, not that you want to, but it would be nice for one day). you don't have the same mindset, you don't go to that school anymore, you don't work there anymore. its the routine i miss of old days. because you had your routine, then there were the happy deviations from the routine, like ditching class with mary or going to starbucks with hatsumi.
so its not that im afraid of change, i just miss the old days sometimes because it was all you knew and you got used to it. you knew things would change, but that was the way life was for you back them, if just for a short while.

law school

my fav cheesy phrase used in law school texts is "knew or should have known"

this is used when they need to prove you are guilty/liable

Ex: "When he pulled the trigger he knew or should have known that someone would be injured"

 

for me the hilarity is that its worded "knew or should have known" so that the guilty person can't say "I didnt know"

 

this is what the law is about: safeguarding against liars

check!

first of all...you don't have the NARS blush in Orgasm? Didn't we get it together? or you ran out?

next... i guess i claim... the Shu emura eyelash curler... i'm getting you the normal one, not the 24K one.

& a surprise that i already got.

2007 birthday gift wishlist:

1. NARS blush in orgasm
2. 2 pillows from pacificcoast.com (i am a sidesleeper)
3. shu uemura eyelash curler
4. book: "my life in france" by julia child
5. book: "the wine bible" by karen macneil
6. pretty lamp!
7. sephora giftcard
8. anthropologie giftcard

on the heels of taking that yahoo personals test, and the fact that i have a "romantic" lovestyle, i have thought of a good quote for myself:

"in the game of love, i'm all in"

(this makes it seem like i really like poker, huh? well i don't. this is just the best way to describe it.)