tug and pull.
that's what life is i am realizing. it is so hard to feel balanced.
when i was married i was good for like 4 months. then it got old. 4 months is good for holing up and cuddling, like the honeymoon period. then you realize you have no life and gained some weight. then it was back out accepting every invitation.
then i had a good like 8 months of accepting every invitation and being in the limbo relationship.
i saw him more than i thought i did, when i look back. it seemed ok to put some things off to see him more.
now my japanese friend is leaving and my oldest friend is away for a month and my mary has been gone forever and may never return and my limbo relationship feels less like a relationship and more like a long term hope.
you can't always be out and you can't always be home.
when i go to law school to some degree i have to turn down invitations because of studying. i can't turn them ALL down or i won't have anyone left when i am out of the studying craze.
and living out of the house is a necessary evil. i know once i do it i won't be able to go back, but this is the first week (ok its only BEEN 3 weeks) that i haven't ran home to cocoon. i miss my room/parents/dog. and the roommates are nice to chit chat with but hardly close friends.
i know the proper thing to do now is sit on things. invitations will arise again. everyone is "springtime" busy. friends will come home. i will not be lonely forever in my room in my apartment. i will go to law school and work my ass off. i will eventually be ok with where i am all the time and not wish to be somewhere else. i can.
i want to keep writing because it is some sort of solace. but i must stop because i al out of things to say.
