hm..

i think. people change. they grow. i think you've changed. despite your insistance that you haven't, i think you'd done plenty of growing up and that the meer fact that you keep going is enough. most people feel that way for most of their lives i think. its some misconception that we're supposed to know exactly what we want. i think thats crap for most of us. even when we think we know what we want, its not what we thought it would be when we finally get it. its this whole work-up.. . so again, thats crap. you essentially just figure out whats important to you and go for that. the hard part is that there are those social standards and its hard to not care about other people's measures of success being imposed on you.

anyway, my point is, "dragging your feet" is okay. you're being way too hard on yourself. its the way we're wired and besides, thats what they call working smarter, not harder, so if you can figure a way to do it and be happy, its fine. everyone has their own standard for what amount of work is worth it. just find your happiness. and try to find your own path. its just about what you naturally like and what you gravitate towards. and you have plenty of opinions and leanings, so you shouldn't have a problem figuring out what you want eventually. calling it a calling is a bit heavy duty.

the ones who have it hardest are the ones who don't know what they want.